When "Saving Face" is Guillotined
**I wrote the majority of this post about 4 weeks ago and decided to put the finishing touches on it tonight.**
Relationships are hard, right?
In a recent discussion (of which I was a part), the question was asked,
"Does brokenness in relationship require sin to be involved?"
and we, as a group, concluded that yes, on some level, at some time, sin must be involved in order for brokenness to take place. Let's think through this, briefly.
In the case of accidental grievances (like miscommunication, which comes in many forms), the grievance itself does not necessarily break relationship. I can think of many-a-time when I've understood something differently from another, and we were never at odds, and it was cleared up without hurt feelings and broken trust. But when we react in selfishness/anger/assumption to the miscommunication, that's when relationships are broken. Our expectations are not met. Our feelings are hurt.
How about when really tough things happen (circumstantially) that are no fault of either party, and relationships flounder; what exactly pokes the hole in the boat? .... How we respond to the circumstance, right?
Are you tracking with me? (It's easy to imagine when one party does something unloving and relationship is broken. It's even easier to imagine when both parties sin.)
Our discussion group concluded that reconciliation can only happen when both (or all) parties truly take a repentant stance. Reconciliation means more than coming to an agreement/compromise. There is brotherly affection involved when it's all said and done; a closer bond in relationship than before. There has to be deeper stuff going on than compromise. We need to be humbled! Broken and rebuilt!
When I was baptized at our home church about 5 years ago, I invited the women in my life to keep me accountable to the pursuit of holiness by speaking up when they saw (or even suspected) sin happening that wasn't being addressed. Rarely has anyone taken me up on it. And I didn't understand the many reasons why until a couple years ago.
I had one person speak harshly to me about the sin I was clinging to, and it shook me. There were specifics given; I was shown, with my own written words, the filth in my heart. There was a finger in my face, and my feelings were rubble. Not to mention my faith.
For a few weeks, I was spit-in-your-eye MAD at that person. (Also depressed, but that's a different story for a different topic.) How could they possibly understand my position and be right? I thought. THEY don't have the stresses I do, and they have all the time in the world to figure stuff like this out... etc, etc. I was poor-me-ing and pooh-poohing all over the place. Long story short, I read the book of Romans, and came around (that's English for repented.) That person and I? We're better friends than before. They've called things out in me since then and it's SO much easier to take it, address the sin, and move on!
I NEEDED somebody to shake their finger in my face and say, "That. is. SIN!!!"
Since that experience, I have witnessed similar changes happen in other people, by having someone brave enough to risk friendliness for the sake of eternal good. Shoot feelings in the face to address SIN issues, because, ultimately, their eternal destination is at stake. Not to mention the name of Jesus.
### Important side note about feelings: above I mentioned that my feelings were rubble. Yes. That was my pride taking a hit. I have since learned (and learned and learned and learned) that our feelings are indicators of our thoughts. My feelings were hurt because, deep down, I was believing that person didn't really care for me. And, by the way, believing isn't believing unless you're living it. For instance, I have believed (the lie) that my value comes from other people, and I lived (sometimes still do) for the approval of man. So I was living out the belief (lie) that when someone disapproves of me, it's the end of the world, because I sure felt awful about it. I can feel angry toward my children when they hinder my productivity, because I'm believing the lie that the stuff I get done today is more important than them. I can feel hopelessly heartbroken over the death of someone if I'm certain that this life is more important than eternity. Get it? On a positive note, I feel happier in Jesus the more my belief/faith/trust (all from the same Greek word) in Him grows! I do a lot of lie-hunting by just analyzing my feelings about/reactions to stuff. ###
The more I get to see this aggressive stance against sin, the more I find I am discontent with friendships that don't like to talk about it. If ALL we talk about, ever, is the weather and clothes and food and the evil "out there," I don't want to hang out too much. Sorry (not sorry). If believers talk theology and discuss Scripture and no one is changing on any level, what are we doing? What is the point? If my believer-friends do absolutely nothing to push or pull me one step closer to God, I really don't see them as loving me in the most important way, for my good.
I am watching some of my friendships slowly fade away. And yet others are forming, even in unlikely places, with people of whom I wouldn't have thought (before), We'd make good pals. The ones that are fading are with people who like to talk and don't really want to change anything. The new ones are simply with people who are either moving toward God, and/or with those who have been broken; humbled before God and now desire Him, seek Him, prioritize Him, and have found freedom in their new perspective. His.
Do you doubt this?
"Where does kindness fit?" It would be quite unkind to ignore an obvious sin issue and let a friend meet the wrath of God. Which is worse? The wrath of Steph or the wrath of God??
Paul wrote in what is believed to actually be the 4th letter to the Corinthian church, "For I made up my mind not to make another painful visit to you. For if I cause you pain, who is there to make me glad but the one whom I have pained? And I wrote as I did (possibly referring to the third letter here), so that when I came I might not suffer pain from those who should have made me rejoice, for I felt sure of all of you, that my joy would be the joy of you all. For I wrote to you out of much affliction and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to cause you pain but to let you know the abundant love that I have for you."
So good. Thanks for saying that Paul. Er, Holy Spirit.
"What about that plank-in-your-eye thing?" Yeah... that's not a license to ignore sin. I think that's more of a command to double-check yourself and make sure that YOU can humbly take correction/rebuke and not just dish it out.
"For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." - JESUS said this. There are a lot of not-nice things that Jesus said to people, and never sinned in doing it! But he's also told us that we can expect hatred from the world. We are supposed to have a pleasing aroma to some, while that same smell is a horrible stench to others. One way of living, two very different responses to it.
Do you have anyone mad at you for smelling like Jesus?
Maybe you don't smell like Him enough. I know I don't, but it's a goal.
Relationships are hard, right?
In a recent discussion (of which I was a part), the question was asked,
"Does brokenness in relationship require sin to be involved?"
and we, as a group, concluded that yes, on some level, at some time, sin must be involved in order for brokenness to take place. Let's think through this, briefly.
In the case of accidental grievances (like miscommunication, which comes in many forms), the grievance itself does not necessarily break relationship. I can think of many-a-time when I've understood something differently from another, and we were never at odds, and it was cleared up without hurt feelings and broken trust. But when we react in selfishness/anger/assumption to the miscommunication, that's when relationships are broken. Our expectations are not met. Our feelings are hurt.
How about when really tough things happen (circumstantially) that are no fault of either party, and relationships flounder; what exactly pokes the hole in the boat? .... How we respond to the circumstance, right?
Are you tracking with me? (It's easy to imagine when one party does something unloving and relationship is broken. It's even easier to imagine when both parties sin.)
Our discussion group concluded that reconciliation can only happen when both (or all) parties truly take a repentant stance. Reconciliation means more than coming to an agreement/compromise. There is brotherly affection involved when it's all said and done; a closer bond in relationship than before. There has to be deeper stuff going on than compromise. We need to be humbled! Broken and rebuilt!
When I was baptized at our home church about 5 years ago, I invited the women in my life to keep me accountable to the pursuit of holiness by speaking up when they saw (or even suspected) sin happening that wasn't being addressed. Rarely has anyone taken me up on it. And I didn't understand the many reasons why until a couple years ago.
I had one person speak harshly to me about the sin I was clinging to, and it shook me. There were specifics given; I was shown, with my own written words, the filth in my heart. There was a finger in my face, and my feelings were rubble. Not to mention my faith.
For a few weeks, I was spit-in-your-eye MAD at that person. (Also depressed, but that's a different story for a different topic.) How could they possibly understand my position and be right? I thought. THEY don't have the stresses I do, and they have all the time in the world to figure stuff like this out... etc, etc. I was poor-me-ing and pooh-poohing all over the place. Long story short, I read the book of Romans, and came around (that's English for repented.) That person and I? We're better friends than before. They've called things out in me since then and it's SO much easier to take it, address the sin, and move on!
I NEEDED somebody to shake their finger in my face and say, "That. is. SIN!!!"
Since that experience, I have witnessed similar changes happen in other people, by having someone brave enough to risk friendliness for the sake of eternal good. Shoot feelings in the face to address SIN issues, because, ultimately, their eternal destination is at stake. Not to mention the name of Jesus.
### Important side note about feelings: above I mentioned that my feelings were rubble. Yes. That was my pride taking a hit. I have since learned (and learned and learned and learned) that our feelings are indicators of our thoughts. My feelings were hurt because, deep down, I was believing that person didn't really care for me. And, by the way, believing isn't believing unless you're living it. For instance, I have believed (the lie) that my value comes from other people, and I lived (sometimes still do) for the approval of man. So I was living out the belief (lie) that when someone disapproves of me, it's the end of the world, because I sure felt awful about it. I can feel angry toward my children when they hinder my productivity, because I'm believing the lie that the stuff I get done today is more important than them. I can feel hopelessly heartbroken over the death of someone if I'm certain that this life is more important than eternity. Get it? On a positive note, I feel happier in Jesus the more my belief/faith/trust (all from the same Greek word) in Him grows! I do a lot of lie-hunting by just analyzing my feelings about/reactions to stuff. ###
The more I get to see this aggressive stance against sin, the more I find I am discontent with friendships that don't like to talk about it. If ALL we talk about, ever, is the weather and clothes and food and the evil "out there," I don't want to hang out too much. Sorry (not sorry). If believers talk theology and discuss Scripture and no one is changing on any level, what are we doing? What is the point? If my believer-friends do absolutely nothing to push or pull me one step closer to God, I really don't see them as loving me in the most important way, for my good.
I am watching some of my friendships slowly fade away. And yet others are forming, even in unlikely places, with people of whom I wouldn't have thought (before), We'd make good pals. The ones that are fading are with people who like to talk and don't really want to change anything. The new ones are simply with people who are either moving toward God, and/or with those who have been broken; humbled before God and now desire Him, seek Him, prioritize Him, and have found freedom in their new perspective. His.
Do you doubt this?
"Where does kindness fit?" It would be quite unkind to ignore an obvious sin issue and let a friend meet the wrath of God. Which is worse? The wrath of Steph or the wrath of God??
Paul wrote in what is believed to actually be the 4th letter to the Corinthian church, "For I made up my mind not to make another painful visit to you. For if I cause you pain, who is there to make me glad but the one whom I have pained? And I wrote as I did (possibly referring to the third letter here), so that when I came I might not suffer pain from those who should have made me rejoice, for I felt sure of all of you, that my joy would be the joy of you all. For I wrote to you out of much affliction and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to cause you pain but to let you know the abundant love that I have for you."
So good. Thanks for saying that Paul. Er, Holy Spirit.
"What about that plank-in-your-eye thing?" Yeah... that's not a license to ignore sin. I think that's more of a command to double-check yourself and make sure that YOU can humbly take correction/rebuke and not just dish it out.
"For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law." - JESUS said this. There are a lot of not-nice things that Jesus said to people, and never sinned in doing it! But he's also told us that we can expect hatred from the world. We are supposed to have a pleasing aroma to some, while that same smell is a horrible stench to others. One way of living, two very different responses to it.
Do you have anyone mad at you for smelling like Jesus?
Maybe you don't smell like Him enough. I know I don't, but it's a goal.
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